going through my head

There are so many things I think about on a daily basis these days that I want to put some of them down here for a record.

For one, I am still not completely pain-free. My hips hurt a lot in the morning. The colder the morning, I’ve noticed, the more they hurt. I don’t feel like I walk normally… I feel like I walk kinda like a football player or like a big man. The grace has gone from my movement. Having danced for so long and having had dreams of being a ballerina, grace of movement was always invisibly important to me and I didn’t realize just how important until recently. Time will probably continue to heal this but it annoys me right now… such a little thing.

Also a little thing, but dang, I have a “muffin top.” Thanks, Amy, for that label… it fits me perfectly now! My belly got so stretched out with Korben inside that the skin is just well, it hangs over my pants like a muffin hangs over the little paper, and I’m afraid it always will. I have never struggled with losing weight; that’s not the issue. It’s the shape… and the fact that most of my tops are from 2004 when the style was short and form fitting. Yeah, that is not gonna work now. I totally understand why long and loose in tops is good after you have kids. It took me until my 3rd but I get it now. I have the stretch marks to convince me that a change is in order. Unfortunately, we have very little money for a new wardrobe, so I will be wearing my maternity clothes for some time to come. Because they cover the muffin.

A deeper struggle that I am having is digesting that we “are all done” having kids. Children are a gift from God. Who are we to say “no more” to God? Yet on the other hand, I do not want to chance what I went through with Korben’s birth (or worse) again. I think that if I were to have another baby, I would really get my hopes up for a girl… unreasonably so. I look at families with one or two children and wonder how they are content with the one or two that they have and hope that I can be content with the three that I have had… and never long for that fourth… or the girl we never had… I think this is just all because it’s still so fresh. Korben is still so new. This topic will continue to roll around in my head for a long time.