rivers in the desert

I got to drive a lot this past month WITHOUT THE BOYS IN THE VAN.  Driving in a van without a clock, a radio, or  a CD player or CHILDREN gives you a lot of time to think, to listen, and to pray.  Our radio went out over a year ago and we’ve never replaced it.  We’ve driven to Oklahoma and several trips to Dallas in that van minus a working radio or clock (and we refuse to borrow or buy a DVD player for the van because we know that with three children, if it isn’t mounted to the ceiling, it will be fought over.) I don’t know how we manage, but it is kind of nice not to have the kid tunes blaring and the boys demanding that I play one song over and over and over and over.

While I’m driving, I think often about the road I’m on… both literally and figuratively.  Certain trips stand out to me in different places on different roads.  For example, on FM 116, there is a certain stretch of road that always reminds me of sitting in the back seat of a maroon Mitsubishi Eclipse with two guys in the front (Jay and Travis) on our way to Mrs. Davis’ husband’s funeral.  Jay drove the three of us to Gatesville… we’d been dismissed from classes that day by the teachers/office people to attend the funeral.   Another stretch of road, Hwy 84, reminds me of October 3, 1996 – I almost died.  I veered off the road, rolled the car bad enough to break both axles and have the engine fall out and almost died.  I hold my breath every time I pass the spot.

But I also spend a lot of time reflecting … on the course my life has taken, of the “what-ifs” – the regrets – the mistakes – the little things that changed the entire course of my life afterwards, I think about David and the boys… I think a lot and about everything.  I don’t get that opportunity as much as I need to – to just think.  To have a coherent thought process from beginning to end without interruption every 1.5 seconds.  It was a luxury that I basked in, breathed deeply, and thoroughly enjoyed.

I recently downloaded a free book (it is no longer free) for Kindle (Every Thought Captive: Battling the Toxic Beliefs That Separate Us From The Life We Crave by Jershua Clark) for iPhone and a certain passage stuck out to me:

Truth 1: I can trust God with my past, present, and future.

In Isaiah 43:18-19, we read these words from God:

“Do not remember the former things, or consider things of old.  I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (NRSV)

I recognize that it is incredibly difficult to forget “the former things.”  I often fail to see the good in the moment, to perceive the “new thing” springing forth, because my eyes are trained backward, lamenting over what could or should have been.

But look with me at the second half of verse 19: “I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”  What this says to me is that even if I completely flub up and make the worst possible decision, God will make a way.  Not only that, He will bring life out of the deadliest of my choices.  I can trust God with my past, present, and future; He is always doing a new thing.

I’ve been struggling to make peace with decisions that I made a long time ago that were “the worst possible decision” without realizing that God did, actually, make a way and a better way, at that, than I would have liked, at the time, to have made for myself. … In some way, David, my boys, my current life are all a result of God working life out of a some very poor decisions.   This all brings me one step closer to forgiving myself.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Maybe I’ll never know…

I knew that David was good for me.  I knew that God had a hand in putting us together.  I just never thought about it in the way of God making a way in the wilderness that was my life.  It seems so obvious to me now.  So very, blatantly obvious.  I don’t know why it took me so long to see the peace in my mistakes … to see the river in the desert.