The boys are just getting to that age where I can show up to David’s school with the boys and no one ends up in tears (especially me).  Lowell camped out in David’s office the entire time the middle schoolers were around.  James clung to me most of the time and Korben, well, Korben stole the show.  Add to his growing list of nicknames!

. . . more to come from my time on campus, soon . . . for now just one . . . Sic ‘em Bears!

UPDATE: more over here on my photography business blog

I got to drive a lot this past month WITHOUT THE BOYS IN THE VAN.  Driving in a van without a clock, a radio, or  a CD player or CHILDREN gives you a lot of time to think, to listen, and to pray.  Our radio went out over a year ago and we’ve never replaced it.  We’ve driven to Oklahoma and several trips to Dallas in that van minus a working radio or clock (and we refuse to borrow or buy a DVD player for the van because we know that with three children, if it isn’t mounted to the ceiling, it will be fought over.) I don’t know how we manage, but it is kind of nice not to have the kid tunes blaring and the boys demanding that I play one song over and over and over and over.

While I’m driving, I think often about the road I’m on… both literally and figuratively.  Certain trips stand out to me in different places on different roads.  For example, on FM 116, there is a certain stretch of road that always reminds me of sitting in the back seat of a maroon Mitsubishi Eclipse with two guys in the front (Jay and Travis) on our way to Mrs. Davis’ husband’s funeral.  Jay drove the three of us to Gatesville… we’d been dismissed from classes that day by the teachers/office people to attend the funeral.   Another stretch of road, Hwy 84, reminds me of October 3, 1996 – I almost died.  I veered off the road, rolled the car bad enough to break both axles and have the engine fall out and almost died.  I hold my breath every time I pass the spot.

But I also spend a lot of time reflecting … on the course my life has taken, of the “what-ifs” – the regrets – the mistakes – the little things that changed the entire course of my life afterwards, I think about David and the boys… I think a lot and about everything.  I don’t get that opportunity as much as I need to – to just think.  To have a coherent thought process from beginning to end without interruption every 1.5 seconds.  It was a luxury that I basked in, breathed deeply, and thoroughly enjoyed.

I recently downloaded a free book (it is no longer free) for Kindle (Every Thought Captive: Battling the Toxic Beliefs That Separate Us From The Life We Crave by Jershua Clark) for iPhone and a certain passage stuck out to me:

Truth 1: I can trust God with my past, present, and future.

In Isaiah 43:18-19, we read these words from God:

“Do not remember the former things, or consider things of old.  I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (NRSV)

I recognize that it is incredibly difficult to forget “the former things.”  I often fail to see the good in the moment, to perceive the “new thing” springing forth, because my eyes are trained backward, lamenting over what could or should have been.

But look with me at the second half of verse 19: “I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”  What this says to me is that even if I completely flub up and make the worst possible decision, God will make a way.  Not only that, He will bring life out of the deadliest of my choices.  I can trust God with my past, present, and future; He is always doing a new thing.

I’ve been struggling to make peace with decisions that I made a long time ago that were “the worst possible decision” without realizing that God did, actually, make a way and a better way, at that, than I would have liked, at the time, to have made for myself. … In some way, David, my boys, my current life are all a result of God working life out of a some very poor decisions.   This all brings me one step closer to forgiving myself.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Maybe I’ll never know…

I knew that David was good for me.  I knew that God had a hand in putting us together.  I just never thought about it in the way of God making a way in the wilderness that was my life.  It seems so obvious to me now.  So very, blatantly obvious.  I don’t know why it took me so long to see the peace in my mistakes … to see the river in the desert.

They’re probably going to never forgive me for this… but these ladies (and their kids) have become a big part of my (and my kids’) life.  A, B, and C, you are beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  Thank you for being a part of our lives.

Sorry for the tilty pics.  I generally do not like tilty pics, but these are fun, even though the perfectionist in me says they still, still don’t quite work.  At least these weren’t, like, for a professional session.
And me.  The only picture I got of myself this night.  I don’t quite fit in with the A, B, C… seeing as how I’m a J.  and I wear shoes like these:
]]> http://davejenbarnes.com/archives/3972/feed 0 http://davejenbarnes.com/archives/3967 http://davejenbarnes.com/archives/3967#comments Thu, 20 May 2010 03:25:32 +0000 Jen http://davejenbarnes.com/?p=3967 NOTE: the images in this feed have been removed for copyright reasons. To see them in their unmodified state, please view the original post by clicking here.

. . . you get distracted with work and forget to put the baby down for his nap and find this:

I’m already mourning the loss of my chubby baby.  I can’t believe this moment is already in the past.  Before I know it, he’ll be the one starting Kindergarten and James will be getting his driver’s license.  They are all growing up way too quickly.  Picking him up from this was heavenly… snuggly sleeping heavy soft baby Korben.  I am so in love with this little guy.  Head over heels.

Let me introduce you to my new little friend, the EF 50mm f/1.4 USM lens.  This one is going to be working very hard for me.  I wish I could have afforded his big brother the EF 50mm f/1.2 L but, alas, who has $1300 laying around?  Not me!

And here are some of the first shots with it.  I am so pleased to have a nifty fifty  once again.

Dave, on the other hand may not be so thrilled.  This is Dave, NOT playing Halo.  He went grocery shopping instead.  Poor Dave.

David has this philosophy that stress is ridiculous, and for the most part, unnecessary.  He says that when we stress out, we’re not trusting God.  …not trusting God to work “it” (whatever “it” is) for the good of those of us who love Him… not trusting God, the creator of all that is has a handle on things… not trusting that God really does have “it” under control… not trusting God for what’s best for us.  Obviously, stress is not what’s best for us.

I’ve been stressed lately.  So many things happening/happened this month.  James’ kindergarten registration.  A big magazine job.  Korben weaning.  David’s pay fiasco.  Rabbitfest (hey that’s a good one).  James’ first trip to Six Flags on a charter bus with his dad and a zillion middle schoolers.  Do you know that charter busses don’t have seatbelts?  Yeah?  That does not make this momma feel good about things.  Oh, and I’m behind in editing photos… bluebonnet photos.  I have to finish before the bluebonnets disappear.  I saw a few stragglers hanging on this morning on my drive to playgroup… I still have time.  right?

When I stress out, I get ulcers in my mouth.  It’s not fun.  It hurts A LOT.  They take forever to heal up.  They make eating, drinking, brushing my teeth, kissing (yeah, what?, so I kiss my husband a lot, big deal), talking, and sometimes sleeping painful.  There’s no way any of that can be good for me.  I’m swishing the peroxide mouthwash, mom.  It’s not helping very much.

I need to trust that God, creator of the universe, knows what’s going on, loves me, and has it all under control.  That is so very much harder than it sounds, but I’ve been praying over this issue of mine today.  God knows what’s best for me; he loves me more than I love my own boys.  He wants to hold my hand through this and hear about the curious things I discover and clever contraptions that pique my interest.  I’m going to have a good day tomorrow and someday I’ll get to show you about it.  It’s gonna be *so* cool.  So totally amazingly awesomely cool.  Just like God.

I have been avoiding blogging about this because of the mixed feelings I have about it but … some of you know how I’ve wanted to homeschool our boys. Well, David registered James for Kindergarten on Wednesday morning. He’ll be going to a very new school in LISD that feeds into David’s middle school as David doesn’t have any plans on looking for a different school to teach at. He really really loves being at the school where he works and I don’t blame him. The staff is wonderful and the kids are great. Though it doesn’t have anything to do with the school… the pay is fixed for this school year so the pay is okay, now, too.

The school principal puts together tours on the day of kinder registration and we attended the last one of the day. I’d wanted to take my big girl camera but David didn’t want me to be *that* mom (and I really need to replace my 50mm and get a new one because the 85L is too much for that scenario) so I took a few snapshots with the phone as we walked in.

I have to say, I am impressed. The school is organized into “neighborhoods” and the main hallway really is a main hallway. The Kinder and 1st graders are in the same “room” which is really a giant room with big windows. The classrooms are all off the “big room” with some in the very center. Everything is kid sized and there are tables and chairs and project areas and sinks and materials and all kinds of neat spaces in the “big room” outside of the classrooms. I think I was most impressed that each classroom has its own bathrooms.

Tears only started once… the lady running the tour was describing the end-of-year goals that each child be able to read a book with 4 words per page and I started crying because James can read every word on this blog post including: registration and neighborhood. That boy is smart. She did follow up to say that they would work with the kids on their level, so if they can already read, they’ll take where he is and run with it. I think he’ll be reading on a 5th grade level by the time he gets to 1st grade if he keeps learning. My biggest concern with him going to public school is boredom. The boy is very intelligent and I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom. The area he can probably improve the most is handwriting because once the decision was made to send him to public school, I stopped all forms of “playing school.”

All-in-all, I have made the decision to be excited about this for James’ sake. When he is older, we may re-evaluate things again, but for the time being, if I don’t get excited for him to go to school, he won’t be excited to go to school, too. It’s not what I would have chosen for my boy if I was the one making the decision but he will be fine. He will do great and learn much.

I love my James and I can’t believe he’s going to be going to school all day long staring in August.

I’m sad to say that I’m really looking forward to the boys going up to my mom and dad’s house this weekend but I just cannot take another minute of their fighting. Most of it happens when Korben is awake as the older two have gotten along pretty well in the afternoons with Korben not in the picture. That three hour nap is the good time. I can handle that. I can totally handle the older two.

Korben just turned 16 months old and he’s doing a lot of things that James was doing when he was 10 months old, but with more power; he is a bigger dude with those 6 months added to him. He just started walking and just started climbing (with intelligence – he will push a toy into position and then use it as a stepstool) onto everything. He wants to play like the big boys and he knows how to get into the middle of their stuff. The older boys do not like this and start swinging. (as in, hitting, not as in going to a swingset and climbing up and actually swinging.)

Lowell, on the other hand, poor Lowell. His feet are growing like weeds and he’s tripping over himself left and right. The boy cannot make it 20 feet without falling down. You’d think he was the one who just learned how to walk. It’s insane!

James needs to be in school. He’s devouring written word like nobody’s business and already adding and subtracting on his own. I have a sight words app on the iPhone and he can read about 95% of them, and they’re tough words, too… like chicken and always and picture. The crazy part is that he is teaching himself.

David. Well.. David needs prayer. We just discovered the school district wasn’t paying him on the right pay scale for the entire time he’s been working there. We’re short thousands. So… yeah. Not a happy man. All this time, we’ve been raising a family on one income and it hasn’t even been as much as he was supposed to have been paid. I can’t even think about it without getting mad. Oh, and he’s going to be away on Saturday at a district meeting solo & ensemble competition all morning, so … that’s like another work day for us without him around. He is working nearly every weekend from here until the end of June so it all blends together…

I am needing to work, hence the boys going up to Camp Grandma for the weekend. I was in the middle of a thought and Lowell started slamming the door so I lost my train of thought. Sorry. My mind just isn’t what it used to be and I can’t concentrate for 5 seconds with these little men in the same house as me. I wish I had an on-off switch to the mommyness in me. seriously. I could use a break from being their mom. Oh, right, I’m getting one. a 2/3rds break. Yipee!

Oh, and since no post is really complete without a photograph, here is one of my new favorite spot in Texas in the spring. I will be driving the 4.5 hours there with the boys the next good bluebonnet season we get state-wide (hopefully next year!!) and maybe… maybe after I get my keeper of the boys I will share the location.

I saw a cute photostream on flickr tonight and as I was digging through my bag looking for the iPhone earbuds, I got the idea to lay it all out on the bench and clean out my bag.  Here’s what was in my bag tonight:

Yes, there was one lone googly eye, the Millenium Falcon, a spare lens cap, three fruit loops, and a tub of McDonald’s caramel sauce (which is now residing in the trash can).  And yes, that is a 1 Gig card.  Laughable in this day and age… please feel sorry for me and buy me some 8 Gig Compact Flash cards now that I have a whole card wallet to fill up.  Pretty please?